Onward! To financial oblivion.
The economy is on the mend. And we can’t have that – what will all the journalists and bloggers like me have to write about? So it’s time to do your bit and push the world back towards financial oblivion.
Since credit has largely dried up you can’t possibly get into more personal debt. And since the government has largely removed any responsibility from the big boys, it’s time for us small and medium enterprises to enter the fray. It’s time to ensure that your practice contributes absolutely nothing to GDP this year.
Be strong people. Do your bit and follow these tips on how to run your practice so badly that it won’t ever make a penny, cent or peso ever again.
Step 1 – Don’t make any attempts to get customers through the door.
Don’t advertise. Don’t train your staff on phone techniques. Don’t maintain your buildings or appearance. And under no circumstances engage in any ‘high-falutin’ social media marketing activity. Dangerous stuff that.
Step 2 – Try not to find any problems with pets.
Don’t employ the best vets – go for the cheapest. New grads all the way! Do not waste money on continuing education courses for staff. Actively discourage using new skills or individual development in your practice.
When your vets are using vaccine consults as ‘catch-ups’ take no action. After all the pet’s teeth will still be bad next year and that niggling lameness will probably get better on it’s own. Found a lump? Probably just a lipoma – no need for a time consuming aspirate.
Step 3 – Stop selling them solutions.
If your vets (pesky lot) absolutely insist on looking for medical problems, all is not lost. Since most of them haven’t a clue how to effectively persuade a client to take the right action this doesn’t represent a big issue. To keep it this way, do not try to teach them communication skills or sales techniques. That would be disastrous in your efforts at avoiding profit.
Step 4 – Sink yourself with pricing.
Ah-ha! Double opportunity to fail here. Firstly, make sure your prices are so low that there is no way you could ever make a profit. Secondly, don’t tell your staff what’s expected of them when it comes to billing. They’ll make it up as they go along and almost certainly lose you a fortune. Good job!
Step 5 – Try not to collect money.
OK, healthy cash flow is not the same as profit but it does mean your business keeps trading. This in itself means you are a risk to economic meltdown. Therefore, try not to worry too much about asking clients for cash. It only makes the vets feel awkward and annoys clients. Everyone will be happier if you just ignore this bit and let clients wander out the door before paying.
Step 6 – Don’t pay bills.
Now you wouldn’t be doing your bit unless you helped pass the pain up the supply chain. So, to make sure no-one else has any money to pay bills or encourage growth keep all of your bills in a pot on the shelf, wait until they are all final demands, then (and only then) select one randomly and pay it.
And while you’re at it, make sure you’re paying top whack for all of your stock, can’t have the margins creeping up now.
Dave’s Tuppence-worth
If you follow these tips folks then within a few months you’ll be guaranteed to be lining up….at the job centre, claiming back some of that money you gave the government in last year’s tax bill. Now, job done…doesn’t that feel better?
Or there is another way…. 
